I feel this week has been really hard for me mentally and emotionally. I have been really beating myself up and this evening I started crying. I decided to take another picture of myself to just see if there was a difference. I asked my son Zay to take the pictures for me, so when he left I started playing around and putting my old pictures next to my new pictures. I didn’t see a DIFFERENCE! I took pictures back in January before I started this journey and I don’t see a DIFFERENCE. That’s how everyone sees me? I didn’t know I was that big. I’m truly disgusted with myself for not loving myself enough to take care of myself.
Every negative thought came full force and I just started crying and my son heard me. He say’s; why are you crying? What’s wrong? I didn’t want to tell him, but he was very persisted on wanting to know. I told him that I was sad b/c I didn’t see any difference in my pictures that he took of me. He say’s; Mom what do you always tell me? You always tell me not to be so negative toward myself. We need to put that on our front door so we can remind ourselves. Don’t be negative mom, you are doing a good job. Wow! I needed to hear that and to hear it from my 8 year old son just makes me so happy and very determined.
He sees what I’m doing each day and its not going unnoticed. Even though I don’t see much of a difference it doesn’t mean others don’t see. I’m my own worse enemy, Ugh! This whole journey can be frustrating at times, but I guess that’s part of the journey. I have to keep reminding myself that “I’m Beautifully Made and Loved by God”. I need to really dive more into the word during this journey. I need to remind myself that I’m worth so much more and through the highs and lows I’m going to come out a winner.
In a book I read called Bod for God, he asked a question “Is the way I’m living and feeling now that way I want to live and feel five years from now? Ten years from now? Twenty years from now? Is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life?
No I don’t want to feel overweight anymore, I don’t want back pains anymore, I don’t want to have to catch my breath when I go up a flight of steps, and I don’t want to look in the mirror and not love who I see. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wishing. I want to be able to run and play with my son, I want to look in the mirror and love who I see, I want to be healthy, and one day I would love to have another child. I want to run 5k’s and 10k’s, I want to hike up Old Rag Mountain without stopping so much. There is so much life in me and being unhealthy is slowly taking my life away. I start the Beta workouts and I’m determined to kick butt and when spring comes I’m going to start running again. I will not be Stopped!
“Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about.” Unknown